Chronicles Of a Gullible Smurf is the ultimate guide for any fresher in a third world country. Some of the parts may apply at a larger scale, and others are just put for the heck of it! Are you ready?
Introduction:
The long awaited day has arrived, and you can not escape. No matter how high your fever is, or how sleepy you are, you will be pulled from bed to face your fate: registration. For you, gathering the official paperwork and going to register might be a hassle, but for the two figures peeping through the door with puppy eyes it is their greatest joy. Who are the two figures? Why, good lord, don’t tell me you don’t recognize your own parents, the two people who dedicated their lives to raise you up made sure all throughout high school to remind you of this glorious day. It is the day you will be officially entering adulthood and a couple of yards away from the Real World. Naturally, at this stage you are encouraged to hide those Super Hero life size cutouts in the closet. Ah! Well, not all of us; and no mom I am not gonna be getting rid of them any soon. Back to the subject, it is the day you will be considered a “freshman” rather than a “high school senior”. Picture this, after being kings and queens; you will descend back into being minions enduring the slavery of the hierarchal system. You will forced to lug heavy coal baskets all day long, and eat raw eggs for lunch.
An inner hunch tells me some of you believed that. If you did, snap out of reality, it is less dramatic than that. Life in the university is like a can of coke, shake it and it will be a huge mess, open it gently and you’ll be able to have a refreshing cold drink. Here is the first law that you should’ve deduced from the analogy above: do not overdo whatever you do and expect good results. In later sections, I shall be dispensing the ten commandments that you shall follow in order to lead a prosperous life on campus. As for now, we’ll be starting with the basics.
Registration Day:
For starters, try not to be too cute and wear an aqua/bluish shirt that accidentally matches with your white pants, add to that the matching white hat you love. Don’t just… DON’T. You’ll be throwing yourself into the seas of taunts all throughout the day, and if you thought school bullies are mean, well, kiddo, college students are the definition of evil. They eat, think, and breathe pranks. They are ready to grill you for lunch, keep you for dinner, so you may suffer, and in the end decide to order a pizza instead of eating you. Still not convinced about the attire thing? Dear lord, I never wish to resort to the “advisory anecdote” technique, but it seems you need it.
Advisory Anecdote #1 (for those who have an attention span compared to that of a pea, well, I’ll give you candy if you read it all!)
Unlike some of us, sweet little Tania woke up ecstatic on registration day. She opened the window, and inhaled the breeze of fresh air, then looked down to find the Municipality workers digging more holes in the ground, which by the way happens to be part of their local competition with gophers. For more information checkout (http://municipalityrocksgopherssuck.com)
Nothing could shake her day, after washing up, flossing (always floss, or it’s your loss), she opened the wardrobe and paused. It was that long girly pause, the kind that if you happen to be a guy, would be enough to arrange the books in the room into alphabetical order or color.
After series of “hmms” and “ahhs”, and calling several friends on the phone, who happen to be similarly confused about what to wear, she managed to pull a…
Hold your breath, this is the part you’re supposed to gasp in horror, is the suspense killing you? She pulled a baby blue shirt, and white jeans. Can you believe that atrocity?
Are you gasping? If not, exhibit A:
If you didn’t gasp, yet again, I believe I failed to explain the hierarchal system. Here is some background information, and no don’t memorize this, this is not History 101, and no “call of nature” excuses, you’re not leaving.
Snippet Of Background Information:
Long before Adam and Eve were planning to eat that apple, which by the way was really sour, there were little tiny blue things running around and living in mushrooms. At least, that’s what we thought when we were kids. The smurfs, were part of Franco-Belgian comic named Le Journal De Spirou. However, we were first introduced and obsessed with smurfs, when the comics were turned into the Hanna-Barbera series “The Smurfs”. Since the smurfs are little tiny things, always chased around by Gargamel, the evil wizard, and his cat Azrael, freshman students were named “Smurfs”.
Side note: you are free to deduce, and allegorize that part.
They are unexperienced, very happy, amused, and seem to be skipping around holding hands (umm, at least between classes).
~
Back to our story, and no, this is not the time for you to look up “Skipping” or try to invent your own “hip skipping”. Tania, after kissing her parents goodbye, remembered that it’s gonna be a sunny day, therefore she went back to bring a hat. Naturally, being the Barbie girl she is, she picked a hat that matches color with her pants: white. Can you believe it? Well, refer to exhibit A to spot the similarity.
To cut to the chase, the last time I saw her was that day. I heard rumors that she actually reached the campus, and some people just say that the evil college kids even caught her before reaching the main gate.
You think I am kidding? Be afraid my child, be afraid.
Okay, maybe I am exaggerating, well she was taunted all day. Some of the students actually volunteered to take her across the language center to the nursery, others were singing her the smurfs song, while others sufficiently hummed the tune.
You might wanna try some neutral colors, not too dark or you’ll be labeling yourself too soon (since there are certain attires that automatically shove you into certain categories).
- Stay away from Aloha shirts, or you’ll be met by numerous “Aloha’s” that don’t sound as friendly as those you heard in Hawaii.
- Don’t go for black, or they’ll think you’re gothic or satanic, which is perfect by the way if you wish to scare them off, and live in your bubble.
- Don’t wear red, unless Valentine’s day was transferred to mid September, and you ran out of all other shirt colors because of a local shirt thief.
- White, is not a good idea, unless you’re carrying your own dust-o-matic with you, and you’re planning to sweep every surface your blessed tushy lands on.
What colors are we left with?
And no, going naked is not an option, unless you’re majoring in Brothel Management. Shades of colors are always good, but don’t go for the striking colors. Last but not least, very strong colors, convey a potent attitude, and this is not what we want.
We want you blend into the surroundings, like a camouflaged lizard. We want to protect you from those merciless seniors, and malicious juniors. Sophomores won’t be around to harass you since they’re being introduced to Slacking 101 (a course, which I will explain in due time).
Are you waiting for the candy? Ah, never trust a cyberspace candy man (or in this case, candy woman).
Motto of the day:
Always floss, or it’s your loss…
Posted by Amino 
complaints that I am bullying people. Yes, our XXL school- turned-university is sheltering twenty something potential cry babies in every lecture. Can you actually believe that a sophomore would go up to a teacher and tell her X was mocking me? Can you actually believe that I’d be mocking anyone? Well, 
